day 7

below  image (that will not rotate to save my life -- oh well) is from a notebook my friend gave me as a moving away present. it still serves as a reminder that tomorrow is not guaranteed so today i should live it purposefully. even if my purpose is to be totally lazy or write or be with friends, i should do those things whole-heartedly. it does not mean that i must abide by a structured outline but it does mean that i should live in pursuit of things that bring me joy and peace.  

as i post my last blog in this 7-day series, that doesn't mean that i'll stop being vulnerable. during this week, i was told that i was brave. my response was i don't know if i'm brave or just out of my mind...either way, i enjoyed putting myself out there just a little more than i normally do [and even then there's still so much farther i can go]. this past 7 days has been a conscious effort of me doing something more than i've done. an effort to continue putting stuff out there without worrying about acceptance or recognition. and to accept my own imperfections in the process...

it's been about living with intention.

thanks to everyone who joined me on this journey. please continue to check back because i won't stop here. also, i'd love for you to share your vulnerable moments with me too...just leave a comment.

peace friends!

day 6

this morning was a challenge. i woke up early, only to force myself back to sleep until 45 mins after the alarm had gone off and npr had started reporting the news. i basically begrudgingly got dressed and went to work, the entire time thinking i can do work for 3 days (mind you this is the 3rd day i've been at work) but 5 is just too much. i said to myself, i just don't want to have to go...besides i could be doing so many other things, like writing or creating, or redoing my website or shooting a video, or using the new software i have. so to make a long story short, this morning i was totally consumed about all the things i could do if i wasn't working a "9 to 5." well, i got to work, still sort of sulking but despite being hella busy, it was ok. my work day was just fine. i laughed with my colleagues, i received a challenging but exciting assignment for early 2016 and i survived...as i always do when i go through these fits.

in all of my fussing with myself this morning, i realized that i'm not frustrated with work (i like that i get to work doing something i enjoy, while learning a ton)...i'm frustrated with myself. i had chosen to roll over and go back to sleep when i knew my body had woken up for a reason. i'm the one who didn't spend my time in the right ways when i got home from work the night before. granted, i don't want to work a "9 to 5" for the rest of my life (how about within the next 6-7 years) but it starts with me. everybody who is successful has made sacrifices around how they spend their time. and if i'm ever to get to the place where i wake up when i want and do what i want with my day, then it starts now...after work.

day 4

...you just have to keep in mind that there's no requirement that the person love you back...

a friend of mine wrote me above last night during a catch up conversation over text messaging. she was talking about falling for someone, wanting to start a life with her (ex) boyfriend and him not feeling the same way...i applaud her. she was the vulnerable one for giving herself to someone who ultimately chose not to give himself back.

as i thought about her statement, i can only think back to my own situations of love not being reciprocated (one fairly recently) and wish that it wasn't so crushing when it happens--for both people. yes it's a part of life, but truth is, it sucks, despite the "someone better will come along" commentary!

my lesson: falling for someone may hurt like hell but you should never regret it especially when you gave it you and when it was honest...besides love isn't what hurts, it the ego-bruising truth of knowing that the love you chose didn't choose you back...

day 3

today i went for a run and decided to record a few thoughts...

Vulnerability Day 3

day 1

i've decided to test/stretch my vulnerability (since i'm always encouraging others to be vulnerable) and over the next 7 days i plan to post something everyday that shares the space i'm in, whether it be a video, poem, lines, whatever...


so i guess i'll start now...with day 1.

day 1

it's a preoccupation

a stubborn idea about who we are

a vision about how others should see us

yet only a portion of it is real

most of it consist of trivial notions we've conjured up in our heads

things we've chosen to cling to 

a mindset that can't be broken

a pattern that won't be shattered

an unwillingness to allow life to lead us

instead we force our actions to match

where we think we should be going

while what is truly real passes us by.

dammit,

i left my lunch home

preoccupation at it's finest...

jns